Death goes Harry Hunting
by Madam Death
Summary: "God damn it! The boy died again and still has no flipping idea. Why me, what did I do to deserve such an idiotic master?" Death is not having a good day. Keeping her supposedly immortal master alive, organizing the induction of the newly dead, planning the next natural disaster, and the growing pile of paperwork is too much. Something has to be done.
1. Prologue: In which Death is Pl

**Prologue: In which Death is Plagued by the living**

"God damn it!" A cry rang through the halls of the ebony palace. "The boy died again and still has no flipping idea." The voice shrieked again. "Why me, what did I do to deserve such an idiotic master?"

Suddenly rounding a corner appeared a young woman white as bone with hair to match and with black ink scribbles covering her skin. As she walked her rant continued her long slivery cloak bellowing out behind adding to the dramatic effect.

"Once was acceptable, twice maybe understandable, but this is the last straw, in the past 5 years he has died 73 times! Who dies 73 time in 5 years, and most of them were just stupid. Seriously death by Knight bus, Twice! Eventually you would think he'd learn to not stand in the middle of the road." Slowly the minion she was complaining to creeped into view behind her, a small blood red statue-like humanoid with bat wings and gazelle horns holding a pen and paper, nodding indulgently.

"Well if he keeps this up I will go all the way to the mortal realm and tell him myself." The girl said, when her pocket chimed and she pulled out her crimson iphone, her eyes glowing a dangerous red, there is plain letters similar to a regular text message read:

"Harry James Potter time of death: NOW

Cause: Tripping while running with knives."

"AAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH! That is it, come on, we're going on a trip." And so Harry Potter unleashed Death upon the all mortals.


	2. Chapter 1: In Which Frank the Previously

**Chapter 1: In Which Frank the Previously Unnamed Suffers**

Thanks to Death's rusty teleportation skills, they to landed smack dab in the middle of a wedding ceremony in Timbuktu. After convincing the wedding party she wasn't there to devourer they souls, dancing with the guests, enjoyed some fine African cuisine and gave an impromptu blessing to the happy couple, Death tried again.

oOoOo 9 apperations and 15 hours later oOoOo

They stood outside a train station, King's Cross, in the middle of London, the mundanes flowing around them unknowing and unaware like how a stream diverts around a rock. The morning sun was shining brightly when Death descended to the mortal realm. Her crimson gargoyle underling glinted the jolly shade of cherry Kool-Aid. Death herself cringed, shuddered and put up her silver hood to protect her bloodless complexion, it also had the added benefit of looking badass and of course stereotypical. All she needed now was a sharp scythe.

"Well then the last known death of my moronic master was in the newly renovated Potter Manner…." A deep overly dramatic sigh escaped her pale lips before they curled in a truly terrifying grin made of all bared teeth. "…. but ya' know I haven't been out of that office for at least a decade and really magical Britain has changed so much since Tommy boy. So Sight Seeing first don't you think?"

The minion was beginning to feel a headache coming on which was fairly impressive considering it as a block of stone animated with a damned soul by Death to do paperwork. Death was notoriously lazy and had an overabundance of soul who deserved a little torture in the form of paperwork, so she had several thousand of similar slaves at time. They usually served until their rocky bodies wore down then were transferred to another division, maybe the human resource office if they had murdered puppies during their life time.

"Hey Minion did I ever give you a name? Eh even if I did I'm changing it now How do you feel about Frank? I like Frank." Tears were rolling silently the newly named Frank's face, it didn't want to be named Frank and really he would prefer working on paperwork. "I think first I'm going to need some money so let's go to Gringotts."

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AN: hey so feed back is wonderful. Suggestions are welcome. I don't really know what I'm going with this story outside of a basic (very fluid) outline. Thanks for reading. I'll try to be more regular in my updates and write more.


	3. Chapter 2: In Which Stan Flirts with Dea

**Chapter 2: In Which Stan Flirts with Death**

Death decided to walk, it really had been too long since she had stretched her legs, not to mention Frank really didn't want to try apperating again. As she strolling through the London streets she got a few strange looks, but it's the 21st century and there are plenty of weirder things than an abnormally tall woman with an odd cloak. Frank had enough sense to place a glamour over himself but didn't attempt to change his mistress's appearance. It's a sad day when animated rock is considered more sensible you.

The walk shouldn't have taken long, really they weren't even that far away.

It took all day.

Death, the destroyer of worlds, wanted to ride the London eye, she also had to visit clock tower of Big Ben and she couldn't possible skip ridding around in one of the super cool red buses. Then she was hungry, she wanted to see the London bridge, she had to buy souvenirs for all her favorite reapers. Frank was worried they hadn't even made it to the magical side of the city and Death was acting like an American tourist.

Ah, but Frank was clever, he recalled the local traveling deathtrap. Then with a combination of sign language and interpretive dance he described to Death the infamous and potential lethal Knight Bus that could take them anywhere they wanted. Suddenly muggle London just wasn't as exciting.

oOoOoOoOo

Stan was having a decent day. He only had to work the day shift and was getting off in only 2 more hours. As they arrived at their latest stop he began his usual spiel.

"I'm Stan Shunpike and I'll be your conductor for today…" then he looked up and was stunned. (This being a harry potter fanfic where people are actually stunned, it should be stated he was only metaphorically stunned.)

That's when he saw her. She was beautiful. Her skin was like ivory, her hair like a smooth waterfall of cream. Her eyes were rubies surrounded by dark lashes and matched her scarlet lips. Her figure was clothed in a sliver cloak that suggested a curvy figure and revealed hints of an intricate black design on her flawless arms.

Stan was in love. Head-over-heels and with stars in his eyes, he slicked back his hair puffed of his chest and said "Now who might chu be darling? And are chu free tonight?"

That was Stan one smooth Casanova.

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AN: Hello world. I'd like to think I'm a funny person, if you think so too great! Leave a review let me know what you like. Or ya know don't like...

Also grammar is not my thing and I'm the only one proofreading it, consequently there is bound to be mistakes let me know and I'll fix em. Thank for reading


	4. Chapter 3: In Which the Goblins Sympathi

**Chapter 3: In Which the Goblins Sympathized with Frank**

Luckily for Stan, Death was in a good mood and when she and Frank disembarked at the Leaky Calderon he was still alive enough to gaze longingly out the window as they drove away.

The Leaky Calderon was only moderately crowded, it was a late summer afternoon and most people had better things to do. The occupants looked at Death the same way the wizards on the bus had, with curiosity and slight fear. Most creatures especially magical ones could feel the aura She possess, wizard could too but to a smaller degree. They knew something was different and deadly about her but not that she Death personified. Honestly the shiny golem attracting more attention, animated stone servants is so last century, house elves are the current trend.

Death and her fashion faux pas swept through the room and out the back, not even taking note of the of stares, because really you get used to it after the first millennia. The brick wall opened and the new Diagon alley was revealed.

Restoration after the war was easy enough a bit of wand waving and poof your store was brand-new. The biggest difference was the owners, Flourish and Blots was no longer run by Mr. Flourish and his partner Blots. However Death being Death was well aware of who was dead.

The thing that caught her eye was the eyesore known as Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. Death was fond of Weasleys and couldn't wait until she completed her matching pair. While she was here she definitely wanted to meet the living one. She started over in direction of the loud bangs and whistles.

Frank shook his head and tugged on her robe, gesturing toward the large marble bank. Oh, that's right Death has no money. She can wait until she can buy things to visit.

Death likes Gringotts. She always has back when it opened in 1474. However, the goblins don't feel the same way about her. This is fairly unsurprising considering Goblins don't like dying and each of the entity's visits to their bank resulted in mass chaos. Something about rebellions, robbery and that not being where the Nifflers belong. Oh well Death like the greedy little creature, they just so bloodthirsty and "ugly in a cute way" her words.

The Goddess chuckled at the message at the door and reminisced about when she took them up on the challenge. Then taking deep breath she kicked open the giant doors.

"I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Did ya miss me?" She bared her sharp silver teeth in a feral grin. Six goblins fainted (she was sad, she wanted to break her record) and the wizards all stared like they weren't sure if she wasn't a figure of their imaginations.

The Head Teller blinked rapidly and then slam his clawed hand down on a large red button. Suddenly the goblins sprang into action like an anthill when poked. You could hear gobbledygook be spoken over the PA and red light were flashing. All of the wizard were hurried out the doors as Gringotts when into a full lock down. In the background Death could be heard laughing so hard there were bloody tears running down her face. Frank was also crying, but his sobs were silent.

Finally after all the bank was occupied with only goblins, Death, Frank and a few dragons, Head Goblin Ragnok stepped forward in full battle gear.

"Lady Death you have come again to our humble establishment, what can we do for you?" He bit out the polite words that looked like they caused him physical pain to form.

"Well I'm going to be in town for a while and I need some gold. Also, someone finally united my hallows so any info you got on one Harry Potter would be great." At the name 'Harry Potter' the goblins bristled.

"Figures that the thief would associate with you. If you claim responsibility of that human, you'll have to pay for the damage he did to the bank." The words were far less polite and term human was pronounced like one might say bubonic plague. But that was fine with Death she liked how grumpy the goblins were and as for pay for the stuff, well she made a lot of long term investments and was ridiculously wealthy. How much damage could one wizard cause anyway?

The answer was apparent a lot. The list of finable offences was a followed:

1\. Entering Gringotts under disguise

2\. Cursing the staff

3\. Infiltrating a paying customers vault

4\. Feeding goblins to the dragon

5\. Freeing say dragon

6\. Escaping on the dragon

7\. Destroying a large portion of the Bank while escaping

And finally

8\. Stealing an item from a vault

Death left the building much poorer than when she entered.

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AN: Look its longer, its like 800 words the goal is for each chapter to be at least 1000 so yeah. I'm working on it. I'm new at this whole author thing.

Anywho I scraped together a rough outline how I want the story to go, so thats good. The next chapter shall be called: 'A brief interlude with Harry' in which you guessed it is Harry's point of view.

Pretty pretty please review only like 3 people have reviewed this far and they are Guest 1, Guest 2 and EternalVeritie.

Thank you Guest 1, Guest 2 and EternalVeritie for taking a little of your time to let me know you like my story.


	5. Chapter 35: A brief interlude with Harr

**A brief interlude with Harry**

Harry had been having a strange day. To be fair he'd been having a strange 5 years. He was 22 now and worked at the ministry as an Auror. He was currently single, after his girlfriend Ginny Weasely decide to pursue professional Quidditch and their life go too busy to have a long-distance relationship. He lived in the renovated the old Potter Manor and was sort of running a house elf rescue center there. But if you really want to understand it you should ask Hermione.

Anyway, Harry was having a strange day. He had been cooking dinner and fighting off overly helpful elves when he tripped. Then he woke up to a circle of house elves trying to decide if they should remove the knife from his chest. Apparently, they had concurred that, yes, knifes don't belong in chests and ripped it out causing harry to faint once more. He woke up again in his bed with the house elves all staring at him and in perfect health. The elves had denied healing him only admitting to finishing cooking dinner after he passed out.

Most wizards would be freaking out, but Harry was only mildly concerned, more so about the dinner. See the past 5 years after Voldemort's demise had been pretty dangerous for him what with all the crazy deatheaters out for revenge. He had had some pretty close calls in the past but really he was reasonably sure that he should be dead. However, he was used to it what with the whole boy-who-lived thing and all those years at Hogwarts, so Harry had a skewed perception of what was deadly.

But this time he was sure, a knife to the chest should have killed him and well… It hadn't. So, he fire called Ron and Hermione. After lecturing him about "no Harry it isn't normal to walk away after the knight bus hits you" and "it's called the killing curse for a reason" they determined that Harry was too stupid to die. In fact, he was un-killable. Somewhere he was sure that Tom Riddle was laughing himself to seven pieces.

So, having decide that yes harry was un-killable they went ahead and ate the dinner the elves had made, because really Harry had done more surprising things before and by now Ron and Hermione were used to it. Another day in the life Harry Potter.

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AN: So it short (I said brief didn't I) but right now we are focusing on Death, more Harry later. Also, enjoy the next chapter. It a double update. ;)


	6. Chapter 4: In which Knockturn Alley is d

**Chapter 4: In which Knockturn Alley is decided to be not so scary after all**

Money in hand Death, exited the bank. By the time she left a crowd of wizarding folk had gathered to see the cause of the goblins freakout. She had taken off her cloak as the sun had set and revealed a muggle shirt she bought while shopping, red splattered jeans and boots that could easily be used to kick patootie. The t-shirt was bright yellow and written in black across it were the words: "Don't Piss Me Off. I'm Running Out of Places to Hide the Bodies." The newly exposed skin was covered in black lines forming some unreadable pattern, her white hair was down and her multiple red earrings shone faintly matching her eyes. As such Death looked like a muggle hooligan in the eyes of the wizards in the alley. Death didn't care, she was Death.

Her first stop is obvious, Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes. While the outside was a visual assault, it couldn't compare to the madness inside. Everything was bright, noisy and constantly moving. Death could smell a hundred different scents and grinned madly at the sight before her. Fortunately, in Franks opinion neither of the Weasleys who run the store were in. Death made do with buying nearly everything and frightening the store workers with her maniacal laughter and the crazy gleam in her eyes.

Death then perused the other various shops with some interest. She didn't really care about the literature except maybe to giggle at the death related tales and legends. Potion making was pretty useless for immortal forces of nature, and merely looking at quills and stationary reminded her of the stacks of paperwork breeding in her office. At the pet shop, all the critters either shrieked in fear or began acting like teenage girls seeing their favorite boybands, so she quickly left. However, she could definitely use a brand-new wardrobe of the newest styles and of course, she wanted a triple layered sundae from Fortescue's Ice-Cream Parlor with the crunchy stuff on top. While they were shopping, Frank got a new hat and an expanding trunk to carry all the bags in because even shrunk there was too much for him to carry.

Death was beginning to slow down in her rampage along Diagon alley and Frank breathed a sigh of relief or he would have if he wasn't made of stone. Poor Frank, he must have done some awful stuff when he was alive.

That's when she saw it. That hadn't been there the last time she was here. The night seemed thicker there, the gloom darker and deeper and it had a deadly feel to it. Death loves that sort of thing, it reminds her of her favorite parts of the Underworld. So she grabbed a passerby.

"Hey what's that dark scary place over there?" she asks in her most friendly voice, her blood red eyes shone with excitement. "It looks like fun."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" said the witch who had just been grabbed.

Frank said nothing, but looked like he wanted to scream too.

"Wow some people are so rude. Anyway, let go check it out!"

oOoOoOoOo

Knockturn allay is known to be a "dodgy place" in the wise words of Hagrid. Most normal people would use stronger words to describe it usually with no small amount of fear. Death course thought it was charming. Nothing says cute the dark, narrow, hag-infested alley ways.

Most people in Knockturn alley weren't wizards, sure you got a few of your typical dark witches and wizards but most of the lot had creature blood, vampires, werewolves and their ilk. Most of these guys thought they were pretty tuff-stuff, big, bad and scary, so when a young blond woman comes skipping into the alley with hearts in her eyes wearing muggle clothes they thought she was easy prey.

Ah those poor souls.

oOoOoOoOo

Everything was so interesting in Knockturn alley there was some many stores full of cool looking artifacts, she wanted to buy the wrinkly hand for her favorite reaper to have and that book that trapped souls seemed really useful. Oh, and the people all looked so much more fun than the wizards in the other alley. They were friendlier too already a group of them were coming over to say hello.

"Hey girly hand over the money and the bags before someone gets hurt. The hags just love young things like you." Growled the lead figure, a were-something by the sound of it.

"Oh my!" Death exclaimed smiling brightly, "you don't need to worry about me I'm fine and well I like hags too, they're such good cooks."

A loud ringing noise came from stone hitting stone as Frank face-palmed. Then he tugged on Death's shirt and showed her a note. Meanwhile the thugs looked more confused, than threatening, just how naïve could this girl be. Suddenly a chill when down their spines as the woman straighten and they felt like they were looking death in the eye.

"Oh I see. You boys thought to rob me. Well then shall I return the favor?" The dark markings writhed on her skin, covering the pale flesh in inky black. Only her bared teeth shone white and her eyes blazed bright red in the dark, like two pools of fresh blood. Screams rung out in the night as their souls were prematurely harvested and their bodies mangled beyond recognition.

Death tutted, spinning around on the blood splattered cobblestones. She looked normal not one hair out of place and not a stain in sight, the watchers realized in fear.

"Now then the rest of you know not to try something like that yes?" A rapid nodding spread through the crowd. "Good then who can show me to the nearest bar? I want some Fire-whiskey!" Her happy grin now back in place.

She then proceeded to spend the night exchanging raunchy songs with the most frightening lot wizarding Britain had to offer and drinking the best of them under the table. She finally left as the sun started to rise and wandered back to Diagon alley. That was when the Aurors showed up.

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AN: Yessss 1000 words as promised. Author here so I posted two chapter because really Harry's bit wasn't very long. To answer some questions the plot is sort of following Death around as she makes a mess of the mortal world, she will interact will some known characters next chapter and will meet up with Harry eventually. My Death is sort of using this whole thing as an excuse to escape the paperwork demon so she's of course going to drag it out, but ultimately she is an ancient being of comic power with some responsibilities so will get to work. Plus that harry potter guy is pretty annoying and she gotta do something about that.

Real HP fact here Ron stopped working as an Auror after a couple years and started working at Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes helping out George to run the business, so that's who I meant when I said both Weasleys. Not Fred, Fred is dead and Death has met him liked him and eagerly awaits the rest of the Weasleys.

Also, if you haven't figure it out by now Frank is animated stone, he can't talk. He has once a person, a bad one because he was sentenced to secretary work, but he died so he can't remember his past life until he's worked off his debt of being a bad person. He's relatively old so he's not Voldemort or anything. Got it. Ps He's named after Carnivorous Muffin's Frank because it's a good name for a minion and I love her stories.

I hope you like these chapters. I hope it's funny. (Sits in a corner muttering "I hope I'm funny.") All this nonsense come from the twisted brain of yours truly, well except for the whole Harry Potter® part. Please review I like reviews they make me feel warm fuzzies when I hear you guys like the story. It also inspiring so I will be more enthused to write.

Thanks again to Guest, QuoteOwl, MikeMystery, and tanzar81.

Next chapter's called: "In which the ministry of magic gets over run by the dead" Death gets taken in by the police who's wonder who the person causing chaos is.


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